I love how I am the In-and-Out of myself.

There's a lot of confusion. God damn you, boys! You say hi to me and I literally fall apart. Goosebumps and giggles. It's really... not fair. There are two in particular. One of which...is becoming very unexpected. But then again--I'm probably thinking about it way too much. I just feel lucky. Really lucky. No girl like me should feel this lucky. It's not in my genes.

But here I am...wallowing. Ugh. Guilt.Frantic.

"I miss you" applies to everyone involved in my life, currently. How is it that I can actually function without seeing the best people alive for a month? It's ridiculous. But then again, the texts that pop out of nowhere really make my day. Can't stop talking about you kids! I've never felt so tight knit and secure in my life. Really. (Despite the name calling and the fat jokes, those come with love, I know).

Sigh. I don't like making memories. It brews nostalgia.

P.S. There are a lot of very nice things being said about me lately. Why? I'm flattered, but I'm not one to take this to the head. I won't lie though--it really makes me that much more aware that life isn't as bad as it felt 2 years ago.

<3

But someday I'd like to be besides him. :)

Authors to avoid:

Nicholas Sparks
Stephanie Meyer
J.K. Rowling

Had a discussion with the Lit Kids and we just discovered that they're pretty much the Rhianna's of the literary industry. Blah. Generics. Time us experimental kids get some attention.I see a lot of great stuff coming out of the peers at CSUN, nothing like people've read. I think that's what readers are weary of, they hate actually being challenged when they read. Sadness.

Oh yah, Hypertext is my new thing. Some reads!

In the meantime GO SEE SEX DRIVE! The best comedy I've seen in awhile. Dig the original-ness (minus the whole "best friend" plot). Totally unpredictable. Laughs all the way throuhg and finally SOME male nudity. Although, it's still not appreciated haha.

Also:


peace!

silhouettes in the dark
there are rhythms in my head
melodies on my lips
emotion flowing through my hips

compassion
...passion
for every little bit of you

it will all be over when
the music stops
so dont stop singing baby
we have a whole song to catch up on


♥

My head is torn into two
Just like the beating in my chest
More screams in the middle of the night
They come from the device beside me
I'm half conscious and agreeing to things
I hardly remember this morning.

My eyes are welling
I can't seem to stop them
They're shedding sorrow on their own
For what known hurt
I can think of so many reasons
Only at the same time
I don't really want to know at all.

My nose continuously runs
Irritated and the shade of anger
It's almost as if it's bleeding
Maybe from the depths of the reasons
I fear to think of
And I won't
...repress.

My mouth quivers at both ends
Words only come in the form of sounds
They're tight and paralyzed
Chapped with lies
Aching from repeating those words
My teeth chatter to tell the truth
But my tounge becomes numb
And suddenly there are no words.

<3

"Can promise you will never be lonely."

I am more upset about leaving more than ever
Florida, make it happen for me.
Keep my mind off him
&&
this damned city


eff the lights.

Pinching and tugging at my arm
trying to make myself believe in sunsets and blvds
the stars that were only wires apart
I still cant wake my open eyes to what happened.

Every couple that past, and dog that barked
made me feel at home to yours
I wish I could share it with you
But I just stare at the names espeically the one
With the silent "h" and leave you alone
You wont hear me when I leave, I never entered

Pinks to calm the nerves and coffee to revive
Stressed vocal chords from singing happiness
A black car with a plate so familiar
Just keep staring and you'll remember everything

First enouncter...
I dont feel so lost
If I ever need to run, I know where the hideout is


Neverlookforwhatyouresearchingfor.Letmagichappen.

Back and forth in my mind Ive been trying to give myself reasons to leave this place. Somehow I just cant make the impact I want to. I've tried hard to make people happy and live life with them. Only now it's like I'm living against them.

I've tried being the best friend I could. Appreciation backstabbed me. I never see it anywhere anymore. Anything that has ever been said about me has always been negative. People wonder why it's so hard to really smile. There's the number one reason. My prime example is the puzzle I helped put together after he had been thrown against the wall and scattered. I found everything and glued him back. Once I hit the bottom, he ran away saying he couldnt help. I got pushed out of his life. Erased. No I love you's or anything. Everything I have ever tried with him was a waste of my time. A call for my birthday...much more than others, I guess my expectations were way too high. I felt like I pushed him to the limit by asking to come by and hang out. I gave up--but it hurts because I want to believe that somewhere he doesnt mean to hurt me like he has.

I just cant win and he brings me down much more than anyone else. It's stupid to cry over a top myspace whatever...but I guess if you want people to know youre special to them showing their profile to the world is the equivilant. I've tried backing away from him...letting him go. But it hurts because I really thought I found love--real friendship and something that could be a forever. But now...I'm ready to burry it.

As much as tears sting the wounds that I've caused myself and he help create, this is nothing to the bleeding that continues. I'm not being overdramatic or unsensable. He has hurt me deeply and he hasnt done a thing to fix it. I feel used. I feel raped. I feel murdered inside because I loved him more than words could say.

I hope his mission is accomplished and he feels proud of that. Good for him.

Sometimes you think...the old ones would remember and the new ones to forget. But it's exactly the opposite.



My friends are golden

I'm just the girl you call for a laugh. I no longer hold secrets or carry consolence anymore. It's an inconvience to IM me unless you think I'm dead. Sometimes I think that would be the better plan. It's not like I have people who call to express great remorse or even happiness to me anymore. What in the fuck am I good for these days?

I suppose just seeing me once is enough...I brighten your day enough in one sitting, why go for another? It's too expensive right?I feel so outcasted by society and to think I finally had friends who wanted me outside this dreaded valley. I can't hold conversations and I dont wear fashionable clothing. People get all the credit for my criticism && ideas. It's no fucking fair anymore.

This isnt whinning, this is my life.I'm not casting opinions and my ear or shoulder is no longer yours. I tried to be there...but after a while I'm just day old bread you feed to the birds.

<3

"You called it Ashley, I think you have psychic abilities."

I have pretenses stronger than my beating heart. <3

somethings gonna hit me
whether it be car or heart
something is gonna get me.

I dont deserve this.
the eyes want to cry
&& the mind isnt stopping it.

tonight is a night where I dont know
what to feel
I'll leave the mood as "blank"

i'm worried about you

<33

"...Though I can't allow it to compinsate for my flaws; I lack so much....that really bothers me" -Note to Taylor

I feel like I'm in a crowded elevator with 4 minutes before we free fall. Interesting people though; since its an upper division class everyone is older. I feel so juvenille and like I should be a young engaged girl woman about to be married this summer...sometime in june. They dress sophisticated in blazers and I'm wearing a polka dotted head band and slip ons.

[continuing on with this thought in the future]

He looks like a famous actor and picks on me because I stand out from the crowd. "Is it ok to say Mexican?" Of course it is, why should I be ashamed of my tan skin and non-spanish sounding accent. It doesnt bother me, I like the rice & tacos after all. I learned so much of something I care little to know about. I'll continue staring at you in the class, being awake should count as class participation points too.

School is beginning & sadly I'm ready to be busy again. A lot of stuff in the upcoming weeks, I'm crossing my fingers for no more drama.

P.S. I'm trying so hard not to let go of you, but it's the best thing before I end up hurting you. Thats true love my dear.

There is one guy who can look my way,
say a word,
sing a line,
smile at me,
laugh at my jokes,
and tell me "it couldv've been worse, but thanks for sticking around through all of it"
and help me up when I fall down (literally)
making sure I am ok and not broken.

He is the one that brings tears to my eyes,
makes my heart skip beats,
leaves me breathless,
makes me weak in the knees...
all the corny goodness.

I just want to hold him again and tell him he is so much more than what the stage lights bring out on him. He is the thing that keeps me going when all else fails. His voice is my guardian angel and his smile is a reminder there is goodness in the world. If there was ever a chance to be with him, I would make the most out of it. He is too good to let go.

...I'm praying to GOD that I will see you again next month..."Car Crash Hearts"...you've hit me head on babe <3

P.s. Last night was the best one year I had. The four of you and me is the best combination ever!

Well sort of :] On friday November 17th I was casted as an extra in Snow Patrol's "You're All That I Have" video. It was extremley exciting. I'm in three scenes. I was a walker [hehe the A.D.[[assistant director]] wanted me to do something with the actress but urm it didnt work out. hahaha i suck] and then I was a girl in the crowd who danced and jumped and rocked out like no other [wardrobe malfunction!] and then I'm standing in a circle surrounding the actress and we're all singing to her. It was really neat to be a part of.

Waiting in a holding room with 100+ others for 12 hours was worth it. The shooting is amazing. When they yell action its a rush. I really enjoy being infront of the camera. Hehe.

Another cool thing while we were at the performing part of the shoot the band noticed me and had a little chat with me. Gary [the lead singer] noticed I was shaking my head "no" when they asked if we were all ok. He was like "no? I'm sorry" and I said "I'm just cold!" ..."you're cold?" and then he looked around at his band mates to see if they had a jacket or anything I could wear and then he said "I dont have anything to give you and not that it matters but in Glasglow this weather is our summer." Hehe he had such a cute scottish accent and he was super sweet.

The crew was very nice and they fed us food TWICE yesh. It was amazing.

I'm going to try and do more in the future. I'm def made for this <3

Be on the look out for Snow Patrols Video "You're all the I have" sometime in december-january

<3

I am only going to update to tell you how wonderful life is
Despite current circumstances, I have been so blessed.

I am blessed beyond belief.
Though my body is weary and heart is heavy, and the mind doesnt stop thinking--I still feel so very alive.

I could lay here on my death bed and I'd still save everything for you. You came to me at a time in my life where everyone was leaving me--but you came to embrace me. Do you realize how wonderful it has been to have you in my life again?

I get so excited when your name comes up on that caller ID. I'm glad I have someone to escape the world with. Ahh--God couldn't have been more gracious.

You.Amaze.Me

so every time I go to this bar, something happens.
Last night I didnt know how to take your "move"
It was unexpected and confusing.
Now I'm confused

I never thought YOU WOULD DO THIS TO ME
Not that I'm hating it
But I am
Only for the simple fact that I still dont know if you know what you did
Did you know?
Because it sure seemed like you did.

Dont get me wrong.
I enjoyed EVERY minute of it
I just dont know where it leaves us and where it leaves me
Hopefully not "lead on"
Wont be able to handle another rejection.

awkward. moment.

I like(d) you
Got over it for about 1,000 different reasons
I'm back to square one again
and I'm not even sure if it was real

I.like.you.again.
fuck.

</3